The Third Story
- posted: Dec. 11, 2024
Liza Johnston, LPC, NCC, MS • Contact Liza • relatecounseling.com • @relatecounsel
The "Third Story"
This is the second in a series of blog posts centered on addressing conflict with your partner.
Now that you’ve explored your feelings that are below the easy to name feelings of anger, frustration and irritation, how do you really have a “heart to heart” with your partner? How do you open up this conversation when all you know at this point is your own point of view, your own perspective?
What is essential when initiating the “heart to heart” is to begin, not with your story, but to begin with the acknowledgement that there is another story, your partner’s story, and that there is a third story, one that takes into account both of your perspectives. Start this difficult conversation, mentioning your own feelings with statements such as, “I am feeling lonely, and I miss you before, during, and after dinner.” Make a strong effort not to inject blame into this start to the discussion. Then get curious with your partner by asking them what is going on with them. It’s essential to acknowledge that you want to hear their side of the story, their story. You can say something like, “we must see this differently and I want to share with you what I am experiencing, and I want to hear what you are experiencing.”
You don’t have to necessarily understand their story, but it is necessary to acknowledge that their story is valid and is real for them. Their feelings are happening, and you want to respect their feelings without judgment. Try to remain curious and give them room to speak without interruption. If they are hesitant to talk, you can always ask a question, such as, “Can you tell me more about what it is like to walk in the door after work?” Or you can say something, such as, “I want to hear more about what you have been going through.”
Get creative with your curiosity and really try to learn more about your partner at this point in the “heart to heart.” Setting the stage for this conversation is crucial and how you approach the conversation can lead to a sense of safety and trust for both yourself and your partner.
After you have acknowledged your partner’s feelings and story without using judgements, you can address your own feelings further. It’s important not to ignore your own feelings because you do not want to encourage your partner to de-value your feelings either.
The goal of this part of the conversation is to learn more about each other’s feelings and to address the third story. You are not problem solving or blaming here. You are exploring the third story which includes both partners’ perspectives.
The blogs in this series are based on the content from
Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen.
- posted: Dec. 11, 2024
Liza Johnston, LPC, NCC, MS • Contact Liza • relatecounseling.com • @relatecounsel
The "Third Story"
This is the second in a series of blog posts centered on addressing conflict with your partner.
Now that you’ve explored your feelings that are below the easy to name feelings of anger, frustration and irritation, how do you really have a “heart to heart” with your partner? How do you open up this conversation when all you know at this point is your own point of view, your own perspective?
What is essential when initiating the “heart to heart” is to begin, not with your story, but to begin with the acknowledgement that there is another story, your partner’s story, and that there is a third story, one that takes into account both of your perspectives. Start this difficult conversation, mentioning your own feelings with statements such as, “I am feeling lonely, and I miss you before, during, and after dinner.” Make a strong effort not to inject blame into this start to the discussion. Then get curious with your partner by asking them what is going on with them. It’s essential to acknowledge that you want to hear their side of the story, their story. You can say something like, “we must see this differently and I want to share with you what I am experiencing, and I want to hear what you are experiencing.”
You don’t have to necessarily understand their story, but it is necessary to acknowledge that their story is valid and is real for them. Their feelings are happening, and you want to respect their feelings without judgment. Try to remain curious and give them room to speak without interruption. If they are hesitant to talk, you can always ask a question, such as, “Can you tell me more about what it is like to walk in the door after work?” Or you can say something, such as, “I want to hear more about what you have been going through.”
Get creative with your curiosity and really try to learn more about your partner at this point in the “heart to heart.” Setting the stage for this conversation is crucial and how you approach the conversation can lead to a sense of safety and trust for both yourself and your partner.
After you have acknowledged your partner’s feelings and story without using judgements, you can address your own feelings further. It’s important not to ignore your own feelings because you do not want to encourage your partner to de-value your feelings either.
The goal of this part of the conversation is to learn more about each other’s feelings and to address the third story. You are not problem solving or blaming here. You are exploring the third story which includes both partners’ perspectives.
The blogs in this series are based on the content from
Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen.
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